Sinag: God Will Make A Way

I lost my faith, but God made a way to guide me back. 

I grew up in a comfortable and cheerful life. Laging sinasabi ng friends ko sa akin, “Ang swerte mo naman.” I have a complete family that provided everything I needed, including love and support. All I need to do is eat, study, sleep, and repeat. Imagine hindi ako natuto maglaba, magplantya, pumasok sa school ng naka-commute, handle my finances, etc. na dapat alam ko na in my early adulthood. Don’t get me wrong, hindi kami kasing yaman nila Small Laude, which may mean spoiled lang kami ng kapatid ko.

However, this comfort led me to often ignore seeking guidance from God. Kapag magsisimba parents ko, nagdadahilan ako na may ginagawa ako, o kaya sasabihin ko na masakit ulo ko para uminom ako ng gamot na alam kong allergic ako at tuluyan na di sumama kasi namamantal na nga ako. Kung sasama man ako, hindi ako sa salita ng Diyos nae-excite, pero sa pagkain sa labas. Samahan mo pa ng mga nababasa ko sa social media na mga na “pang-woke” na churches have crooked beliefs and traditions. Honestly, I relied on my own scientific and historical research, which became the reason why I became agnostic. I acknowledge the existence of God but I am uncertain and have abandoned my religion.

Nagtuloy-tuloy ‘tong paniniwala ko, pero hindi ako ganun ka-open sa mga tao. Kaya kapag ini-invite ako ng mom ko sa prayer meeting sumasama pa rin ako minsan just to debunk in my mind yung mga gospel. Dumating na rin ako sa point na hindi na ako marunong magdasal na kailangan ko pa i-search sa Google yung prayer para makapag-prayer lead sa class. Kumbaga, ganun na ako kalala na. I’m aware but I don’t mind it.

My comfortable and cheerful life became blurry when my mother died. Nagsimula na maging alienated lalo ako sa mga nangyayari. Naiwan na ako most of the time sa bahay mag-isa since nagwo-work father ko and may sarili ng buhay kapatid ko. Ang bilis ng shifting na biglang kailangan ko na i-handle yung finances namin, do things on my own, decide on my own, etc., na hindi ko ginagawa before ng walang guidance. Andami ko na ring personal problems na silently nilalabanan but instead of holding to God, I questioned him.

Samahan mo pa na, while I’m juggling my personal and career lives, I got into a controversy where my future is at stake. So I overworked myself to shift my attention and dito nag-start na ako magkasakit. My doctor advised me of the necessity of filing a leave of absence because of my situation. So I took a short break, and everything stopped. I found comfort again, but not happiness. This time, hindi na si God ang kinewestyon ko kundi and sarili ko. Kung bakit bigat na bigat ako sa buhay ko, na bakit kapag may problema pakiramdam ko wala na akong pag-asa. Ano ba yung kulang?

This is where I start to assess myself and my life. Inalala ko yung mga nangyari and in between those struggles, there are people pala use as instruments of God to remind me of his existence. Una, yung taong nag-introduce sa akin ng Pray and Serve. Noong una nagpa-participate lang ako just because I want to help and support him, not because I have faith. Dahil nga most of the time, nakikita ko yung posts niya sa Pray and Serve, nababasa ko yung mga bible verses and other religiously related posts na unconsciously tumatatak. Second, yung boyfriend ko. He’s a Christian guy, na shine-share sa akin mga preaching na naririnig niya and he taught me indirectly to always pray. through his actions. Lastly, yung dad ko na sobrang nagpa-realize sa akin how lost I am spiritually. I remember when he saw me at my lowest, ang sinabi niya lang, “Nak, kapag hindi mo na kaya, hindi masamang humingi ng tulong lalo na sa Diyos.” Hindi siya masalita kaya iba yung impact sa akin nung sinabi niya yun.

Because of those people, I had the epiphany that, all this time, God is always on my side, even though I do not have faith in him. He really makes his way to bring us back to him, even though we cannot see immediately because of human factors. So what I did was pray to God, crying and begging for forgiveness. Hiningi ko lahat ng kapatawaran, lahat ng kasalanan, at pagkukulang ko sa kanya. Pinagpasalamat ko lahat ng bagay na ibinigay niya. Ipinagpasakanya ko ang lahat ng bigat na dala ko. Mula noong araw na yun bumalik ako sa paniniwala sa Panginoon at mula noon, unti-unting gumaan pakiramdam ko. Miraculously, na-solve ang controversy na nasangkot ako at nalinis na ang pangalan ko. Binigyan din ako ng chance na makahabol sa mga naiwan kong tasks. Unti-unti na rin akong gumagaling. All these blessings are because of God’s grace.

I really believe that this opportunity to share my Sinag testimony is also one of God’s ways of reminding you to always have faith in him, regardless of what you are experiencing. Lumaban ka sa hamon ng buhay, kasama ang Panginoon, kasi hindi niya tayo papabayaan. Hindi man pumapabor sa’yo ang mga nangyayari ngayon, huwag kang magalala may ginagawa si God sa prayer mo. Keep carrying on with courage and faith.

I believe in you, and God believes in you, Kapatid.